If you’re like most people, you don’t know how to have good conflict.

Society views conflict as something that divides us.

But what if conflict could actually facilitate greater connection and understanding?

In conflict situations, you either skew toward prioritizing achieving the goal or prioritizing the relationship.

The problem with either of these in their extreme forms is that you either compete (even at the cost of damaging the relationship) or accomodate (give up the goal altogether to let the other party win).

Then there are some people who think that avoiding conflict is the best path, because then it will just go away on its own.

And although compromise seems to hold promise, it means both parties give up something and both get something. Not ideal.

It’s why hostage negotiators never split the difference.

What if conflict, like our emotions, is just a signal trying to tell us something?

Conflict resolution strategist, Priya Parker, refers to conflict as “heat.”

She says that good controversy is the gentle harnessing of the right amount of heat for a group to face what it needs to face.

In any conflict, we can identify our values, the things we hold dear and are willing to fight for.

But what we often lose sight of is that the person we’re in conflict with also holds values that they’re willing to fight for.

Perhaps it’s because the way they’re representing their values is overshadowed by the fear they feel.

Anytime we feel threatned, or our values feel threatened, we tend to get defensive. It’s only natural.

But behaviors stemming from a defensive posture rarely advance a conflict situation toward resolution.

What is often missed by two parties in conflict is that they are in disagreement about their strategy.

They spend all their time advocating for their strategy, and what they miss is that there is a greater goal that they can achieve if they can step back and identify their mutual purpose.

What’s a conflict you’re in, or a repeating conflict that keeps coming up for you?

Think about how you and the other party can create a mutual purpose — something you both want.

How do you do this?

When you name what outcome you want for the situation, ask yourself, “what would this do for me/us/them?”

Then keep repeating the question, until you can land on something both of you can agree on as a mutual purpose.

Once you co-create a mutual purpose, then all kind of possibilities open up to you about how you might achieve that mutual purpose.

Any sense of us vs. them fades away, and now it is about working together to find a strategy that will help you accomplish your mutual purpose.

Have you been stuck in a cycle of conflict?

How can identifying mutual purpose help you change the conversation to one that is connecting and yields a positive outcome?

Love,

Audrey