Relationship advice not for the faint of heart

In most relationships in life, whether at work or in your personal life, you don’t really intentionally choose the terms of the relationship. 

Rather, you fall into patterns of relating over time. And one day might you notice that you’re stuck in ingrained patterns that aren’t serving you or the relationship.

In the exercise below, I’m going to walk you through a 3 part framework to help you redefine the terms of a relationship that isn’t going well.

PART I - How to identify that you are in a relationship that isn’t what you might have envisioned at the start.

PART II - What role you want that individual to fill in your life or at work.

PART III - How you can begin to co-create a new relational dynamic.

PART I - Look for the signs.

Below are eight signs that you may be stuck in unhealthy patterns: 

1. Your energy is drained after interacting with them

2. You have started thinking that you are the problem

3. You doubt yourself around them

4. You aren’t free to express your thoughts or emotions around them

5. You find yourself annoyed after interactions with them

6. You defend yourself when you’re with them

7. You avoid certain topics that may upset them

8. You feel as if their happiness depends on you

I just presented you with 8 options, but really #1 is all you need to know. 

If someone is a drain on your energy, that is the only indicator you need to know that the relationship needs to be shifted.

Notice that all of these signs are directed at your experience. 

I purposefully want you to focus on your experience because your experience holds clues for you to tune into.

Let’s explore that further:

1. Ask yourself, “what feelings do I have when I consider what my current relationship with this individual is?”

2. If your feelings were signposts, what core value or unmet need might those signposts be pointing you toward? You can fill in the blank “I value__________” or “I have a need for _________” that isn’t being met in this relationship.

If you can identify your feelings and your values/needs behind those feelings, bravo. This is a major step in getting unstuck.

Photo by Bo Stevens on Pexels

PART II - Desired role.

What role does this person currently occupy in your life? 

If this relationship were to be beneficial to you or to a collaborative effort at work, what would need to be true of their role? 

If you’re like most people, all you can think of is related to this person’s unhelpful behavior is stopping it.

But that’s not enough.

No, in order to allow them to fill a new role in your life, you are going to need to let go of all negative energy you feel when you think about this person, and then lean on your imagination.

To prime your imagination, start thinking about what the dream scenario is for the relationship.

What if instead of being a drain on you, this person actually energized you (by caring about what matters to you or helping you get a need met)? 

That’s the kind of daring imagination you need to bring to this.

So, now try again, and I’ll phrase the question more directly: “what role do you want this person to play in your life?”

Dream big. 

Do you want them to genuinely care about the things that matter to you?

Do you want them to support your ideas at work? 

Do you want them to give you credit for your role in a joint collaboration?

Once you can identify the new role you’d like this person to fill, you’re ready for PART III.

PART III - Co-create a new dynamic.

Before you can begin to co-create a new dynamic, you need to acknowledge the ways in which you have co-created the current dynamic.

This may be difficult to do. You can probably provide me a list of 50 behaviors they have that are unhelpful. 

And yet, I’m going to press you on this. How have you allowed them to operate toward you with these unhelpful behaviors? How are you showing up for them, and how are they responding to how you engage with them?

These two questions likely bring some agitation, which is good. You need this to do the next part.

If you’re no longer going to allow them to operate in the former way, but allow them to begin to occupy a new role in your life, what thoughts do you need to have about them, and what actions do you need to do?

First, the thoughts. What thoughts do you need to have about this individual so they can be freed up to move into a different role in your life? (hint these are not negative thoughts)

Now for the action. What decisive actions do you need to take to step out of the former way of relating, and begin to relate in a new way? 

If you need some ideas, try these out:

• Hold a boundary (some action you will take if they cross your boundary)

• Step out of the content of the argument. Offer observations about what is happening in the conversation at a meta level. 

• Use contrasting statements: “I don’t want….. I do want……”

• You may not ever reveal to this person the role you want them to fill (from PART II), but in very special circumstances, that’s exactly what they need to hear from you. That they can fill a new role in your life that will be useful to you.

This action will serve as a pattern interrupt. The other person will necessarily be thrown out of their usual way of relating to you and have to choose a new way to engage. 

The results you want may not be immediate, but if you stay the course, the other person will begin to relate to you in a new way. And if you hold out for them the invitation to occupy a new role in your life, they may just begin to fill it. 

Love,

Audrey