What are you tolerating?
At some point in life, you have probably felt overwhelmed, burned out, frustrated, tired, or stressed. We take on increasing responsibility in our careers, often saying yes to help out the team or demonstrate our ambition or because we just don’t know how to say no.
Photo by Inzmam Khan
One of the most powerful questions I ask clients is, “what are you tolerating?”
Tuning into the aforementioned emotions can provide clues to help answer this question. What makes you feel this way?
Perhaps along the way….
You have said yes to something even though inside you were a clear no.
You said yes to something but now you are bored.
You said yes to something only because you thought it was a stepping stone to get to what you really wanted.
You have shouldered an emotional load that perhaps was not yours to carry.
You picked up the slack for others but it is only one-sided.
You grin and bear it when you are treated less than respectfully.
You allow the same self-loathing thoughts to dominate your inner dialogue.
You have held onto bad habits that drain you of energy.
You have compromised your values and are out of integrity.
You have held onto the past and are unable to move on.
You have compared yourself against others.
Make a list of 50 things you are tolerating.
Now that you’re clear on 50 things you have said yes to but may no longer be a yes to, let’s establish how to say no.
4 Ways to say NO.
1. Dial up the self-compassion.
When you have self-compassion, one of the byproducts is you get really clear on what your boundaries are. The more you can show yourself some love, you will start to notice little (or big) annoyances that bother you, and that is a strong indicator that you need a boundary and a NO.
2. Where are you 100% all in?
What matters to you most in life and is so important, it becomes easy to say no to everything else. (A particular project, spending time with your family, being there for your friends, your health, etc.)
3. Weigh the cost of your yes in the future.
What is your yes going to cost you in terms of energy expenditure and emotional investment in the coming days, weeks, months, or years? Are you willing to make this investment? If not, you could be a no.
4. NO is a complete sentence.
No explanation needed. No apology needed. Counterintuitively, a no can often feel better to the other person when you don’t explain or apologize. No. No, thank you. No. That’s it.
Campbell McGrath summarizes the struggle of saying no in his poem:
Saying No
No sir, absolutely not, sorry, but no.
Not sorry, actually—just no.
Keep it simple, plain vanilla: nope.
Not happening. Big en, big oh.
No way, no how.
Negative, nuh-uh, ixnay, nyet.
No no, no no.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
Not likely, not likely. Maybe,
but I doubt it.
Possibly, conceivably, in theory.
Uh-huh, mm-hmm . . .
Well, yeah, sure, O.K., why not,
oh definitely, yes,
wow, I mean anything,
anything at all, when can we begin?
What are you going to say no to this week? And how will your energy increase as a result?
Love,
Audrey
