The belief/emotions paradox

I write a lot about validating and listening to your emotions.

Emotions offer clues as to what you need and want.

They serve as arrows pointing you toward something.

And if you take the time for self-inquiry, you can often find out what that something is.

But the paradox we all face is that our emotions are based on beliefs, or stories we tell ourselves.

And these beliefs or stories can always be revised, updated, and re-explained.

Our beliefs are almost always an effort to make meaning of some even that has occurred.

And so your emotions stem from your beliefs.

The paradox is this: always validate your emotions while also questioning your beliefs.

Photo by Jeffry Surianto on Pexels

Here’s what this might look like.

Let’s say you interpret someone not responding to an email you sent them.

The story you might initially tell yourself is that they’re ignoring you.

This may lead to feeling insecure, hurt, or indignant.

Here’s what it looks like to validate your emotions.

“Of course you feel this way.” Feeling any of those feelings is totally understandable if indeed the person is ignoring you.

Now, watch this.

What if you questioned the story you told yourself?

Maybe there are other reasons they haven’t responded to your note yet.

Maybe they have a lot going on right now and they missed it.

Maybe they’re waiting on information and will respond when they get it.

How might that change your feelings?

You may be more understanding, and realize it’s not about you.

See how this works?

Now, It’s super important that you not confuse the order.

Validate first, then question your story.

Unvalidated emotions have a way of not going away…..

What’s a story you’re currently telling yourself, and what emotion is it generating?

If you were to change the story, how might your feelings about the situation change?

Developing a practice of radical acceptance of your emotions while also radically challenging your beliefs can help you become more self-compassionate, and also help you extend the benefit of the doubt to others.

Relationships can be tricky to navigate, AND there are concrete skills you can build to navigate them with more ease and grace.

Leaning into the belief/emotions paradox is one such skill.

And the best part? This is a skill you can practice with yourself, AND with others.

You can simultaneously validate others’ emotions while graciously inviting them to re-examine what conclusions they have made that got them where they are.

Need a script for this?

Try this:

“I can see how you would feel that way. I might feel that way too if I thought that.”

That’s the validating part. Now for the questioning part.

“You mentioned (fill in the blank). Is that really true? Is there another way to interpret that? If it weren’t x, but actually y, would that change how you feel?”

Do you see the kind of space this opens up in a relationship that causes the other person to feel seen, held, and also challenged?

It’s a total game changer, especially when things feel stuck or you’re in a habitual pattern you can’t seem to break free of.

What’s a relationship that could benefit from getting unstuck?

Try this new skill. See what happens.

Good luck practicing it!

Love,

Audrey